Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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