You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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