My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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