Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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