I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
