...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
