dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
is wine microwaveable?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize