you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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