I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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