I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
