I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
