He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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