I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
