guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My feet surprised me
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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