She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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