alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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