Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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