she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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