ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
my liver is dry heaving
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
