i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
