Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I did not marry a roomba.
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