so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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