Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
