is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
