JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
