I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
