I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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