my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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