I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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