apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
