why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
