i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
