she woke up with a sticky ear
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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