My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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