Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
