Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
