worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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