Pappa wants mamma naked
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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