Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
