i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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