sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
