my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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