meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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