I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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