Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
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we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
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Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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