he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
