6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
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came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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