So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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