Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
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Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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