party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
