We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
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We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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