Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
