I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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