I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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