i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
