I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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