my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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