my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
