I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
