I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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