Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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