i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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