my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
