So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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