yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
