Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
