We are two peas in an std pod
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
